After these last few year of immersing myself on the world of pregnancy, birth and parenting, I have learned that one of the biggest struggles we all face is dealing with expectations.
Expectations make it really hard to live and enjoy the moment how it is. It’s hard to feel judged by others, but the hardest judgment to deal with comes from within. In reality, almost nothing will ever be what we expect it to be, even if we have experienced it before.
Expectations make it really hard to live and enjoy the moment how it is. It’s hard to feel judged by others, but the hardest judgment to deal with comes from within. In reality, almost nothing will ever be what we expect it to be, even if we have experienced it before.
| “Expectations make it really hard to live and enjoy the moment how it is. It’s hard to feel judged by others, but the hardest judgment to deal with comes from within.” |
MY FIRST PREGNANCY WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I EVER EXPECTED
I had a wonderful pregnancy with my son Teal. Three days after unexpectedly finding out I was pregnant, I went to a 10-day silent meditation retreat. I loved having that time to process my thoughts privately. Every night I dreamt of telling someone about my pregnancy: my mom, the co-creator of a script I was writing, a few different friends, etc. In my dreams, their reactions varied from disappointment, joy, anger, worry, judgment and more.
All the emotions I was dealing with were expressed into my dreams. Having to process them alone allowed me to really observe and understand the complexity of my feelings. By the time I came out of the course I felt a lot more confident on my pregnancy and ready to embark on the amazing and unknown adventure of motherhood. I was ready to share the news with everyone.
All the emotions I was dealing with were expressed into my dreams. Having to process them alone allowed me to really observe and understand the complexity of my feelings. By the time I came out of the course I felt a lot more confident on my pregnancy and ready to embark on the amazing and unknown adventure of motherhood. I was ready to share the news with everyone.
| Even though my circumstances at the time were unconventional and in many ways not ideal, my pregnancy went smoothly, my birth was an amazing experience, and pretty soon afterwards I was already fantasizing about doing it all again. |  |
MY SECOND PREGNANCY WOULD BE EVEN BETTER, RIGHT?
I always thought my second pregnancy was going to be so much easier. After all my body already knew what to do, I had read so many books, done the research and experienced the empowerment of a wonderful birth. On top of that, the last year has been the most stable my little family and I have ever been. We have been living in the same place for over a year, my husband has a job he likes, I have my own business, so… why in the world would I be anxious about pregnancy? I felt so ready to have a second child!
But four months ago, when that pregnancy test came back positive, all of the sudden I didn’t feel ready anymore. My marriage has been going through a lot of challenges, my husband wants to go to college, I have been struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder (plus lots of homesickness) and my son Teal says he doesn’t want another baby. Had I made a mistake? I felt so guilty about my mixed feelings and once again, disappointed on myself because after wanting another baby for so long, my second pregnancy wasn’t starting with the ideal joy and confidence I had expected.
But four months ago, when that pregnancy test came back positive, all of the sudden I didn’t feel ready anymore. My marriage has been going through a lot of challenges, my husband wants to go to college, I have been struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder (plus lots of homesickness) and my son Teal says he doesn’t want another baby. Had I made a mistake? I felt so guilty about my mixed feelings and once again, disappointed on myself because after wanting another baby for so long, my second pregnancy wasn’t starting with the ideal joy and confidence I had expected.
| “I felt guilty about my mixed feelings and once again, disappointed on myself because after wanting another baby for so long, my second pregnancy wasn’t starting with the ideal joy and confidence I had expected.” |
I NEEDED TO PROCESS THIS PRIVATELY
I didn’t want to share the news of my pregnancy with anyone except my closest friends. I didn’t want to hear people congratulate me. I didn’t want to listen to questions which answers I truly didn’t know. I was already judging myself and I was afraid of being judged by others. So I avoided mentioning my pregnancy as much as possible and pretended to myself like nothing was going on. I felt a lot sicker during this pregnancy’s first trimester, and now that I think about it, maybe it was my body trying to remind me there were big changes coming and I couldn’t just ignore what was happening.
Luckily, I have the fortune and joy of participating in a couple different women circles, where I have found a safe space to share the complexity of my emotions even in their most personal details. One of my close friends went through a similar experience with her second pregnancy, and it was really comforting to listen to her story and know that I wasn’t alone. In fact, there are many reasons why people might not want to share their pregnancy news: they might have experienced loss, the pregnancy might have been unwanted, they might already have what people perceive as “enough/too many kids,” etc.
Luckily, I have the fortune and joy of participating in a couple different women circles, where I have found a safe space to share the complexity of my emotions even in their most personal details. One of my close friends went through a similar experience with her second pregnancy, and it was really comforting to listen to her story and know that I wasn’t alone. In fact, there are many reasons why people might not want to share their pregnancy news: they might have experienced loss, the pregnancy might have been unwanted, they might already have what people perceive as “enough/too many kids,” etc.
| “It was really comforting to learn that I wasn’t alone. In fact, there are many reasons why people might not want to share their pregnancy news.” |
IT DOES GET EASIER
I’m 19 weeks pregnant now and as my belly gets bigger and I start feeling the baby kick, I can no longer keep holding it in.
So here I am.
I’m pregnant.
I’m finally allowing myself to feel openly nervous, happy, doubtful, confident, sad, excited, and whatever else I need to feel. It’s all part of the process.
And even though there is still a lot of uncertainty and this pregnancy hasn’t been how I expected it to be, it’s wonderful and joyful in its own unique way.
So here I am.
I’m pregnant.
I’m finally allowing myself to feel openly nervous, happy, doubtful, confident, sad, excited, and whatever else I need to feel. It’s all part of the process.
And even though there is still a lot of uncertainty and this pregnancy hasn’t been how I expected it to be, it’s wonderful and joyful in its own unique way.
