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This is how patriarchy weaponizes gentle parenting and leaves moms behind

2/13/2024

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Pregnancy has a very special place in our society’s collective imagination. We associate it with ideas of hope, tenderness, love, vulnerability, a blank slate, a new beginning.
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As a birth worker, I’m constantly exposed to the shocking contrast between the special care and accommodations society facilitates for pregnant people and the harsh judgment that mothers face once their babies are born. 

A visibly pregnant person might have someone offer them a seat on the bus, be helped to carry groceries, or be gifted cute clothes and diaper cakes for her unborn child. Meanwhile, the newly postpartum mom is mostly rushed to lose weight, care for her child 24/7, and get back to the productivity race that keeps capitalism running. “Sounds too hard? Well, you wanted to have children, right?”


In the past few years, highlighted by the COVID-19 pandemic, the awareness about mother’s declining mental health has grown. In truth, Western culture has been equating motherhood (and especially postpartum) with depression, noble suffering, and rewarding sacrifice for centuries. Nowadays the internet has given many people platforms to express themselves openly and hear from others, and the reality is clearer than ever: moms, for the most part, are not okay.
 
Struggling, broken, rageful, resentful, desperate, suffocating, alone, trapped, lost: these are some of the most common words moms in social media safe spaces will use to describe their daily lives if given the chance to share anonymously or privately.
 
According to CDC research, 1 in 8 birthing people may experience postpartum depression in the year after giving birth. With approximately 4 million live births occurring annually in the United States, this means around 500,000 postpartum depression diagnoses. 

The prevalence of postpartum mood disorders is not a secret, but it’s gravely misunderstood. Most people dismiss it as a hormonal shift that will eventually pass and assume that after that initial encounter with the baby blues, motherhood will become the most joyful and rewarding experience in a woman’s life: The happily ever after.

Many think that when it comes to honesty and expressing grievances about motherhood, the pendulum has swung too far. Articles such as How Millenials Learn to Dread Motherhood illustrate this point and I think behind it, there is a yearning. Ever since early childhood those of us who are socialized to fulfill feminine roles in society are groomed into heterosexual myths of happiness through the nuclear family. Princess culture, abstinence-only sexual education, hyper-sexualized feminine idols, and the extremely demanding ideal of the super mom who “has it all”, are some of the overwhelming contradictions that plague the landscape of growing up female in the Western world.


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WHAT DOES "PIECES OF A WOMAN" MEAN  TO THE BIRTH WORLD?

1/9/2021

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Before I had kids I was the kind of person that anticipated movies for months and who always knew what was playing in theaters (back in the day when people watched movies in theaters). That is now ancient history, but on Wednesday I started hearing some noise about a new movie that just came out in Netflix called “Pieces of a Woman” and since it was being talked about in birth groups all over social media, I became curious and I made time as soon as I could to watch the movie, excited to see what the conversations was about.
Trigger warning: this movie is about the worse nightmare of every pregnant person and new parent: the death of a baby.
 
Also, spoiler alert: If you don’t want to know anything at all about what happens in this movie, don’t read this.

You can read this blog post in Spanish here.

 
THE POSITIVE: IT'S A LEGITIMATELY GOOD MOVIE
I think Pieces of a Woman is overall a great movie and it tells an incredibly important story that needs to be told. I think the creators and the cast performed beautifully. It's shot beautifully, the acting is great, the story is compelling, the exploration of grief and autonomy are brilliant. I don’t think this movie was intrinsically created, as stated in some communities, as propaganda against home birth. The filmmakers experienced a loss and had to navigate the landscape of grief, guilt, and forgiveness that came with that. The movie did wonderful job exploring those subjects.

However, we do need to take a good look at the issue of representation and the incredible responsibility and power that media creators hold. Nowadays pretty much anyone can write a short story and put in in the internet or upload a video into YouTube, but not everyone can make a movie and distribute it. That costs a lot of money. What kind of movies get funding? What kind of stories are we being fed and how do they affect us?

 
THE NEGATIVE: REPRESENTATION OF BIRTH IN MEDIA IS SO POOR
When looking specifically at birth in movies what we find is honestly pathetic. The pregnant person is rarely truly the protagonist of the story, birth is portrayed as a fast and urgent matter that requires birthing people putting themselves completely in the hands of the medical system, screaming for help, for drugs, for a way out.

It’s almost tragic, in my opinion, that Pieces of a Woman has 
the best birth scene in perhaps all of the history of cinema and the result is a dead baby. It’s not that it doesn’t happen. Babies can die both during home births or at the hospital. But when you compare the numbers, in terms of representation, the effects it has in society at large is a process of manufacturing distrust in birth and the belief that women are unable to make their own decisions due to being “hormonal” and “hysterical.”
 
In reality, the vast majority of home births end up well.
In reality, a huge percentage of people giving birth in the hospital have C-Sections.
 
But we don’t see that.
 
I was recently particularly surprised to realize that we see very few C-sections in movies and shows. Even when the characters are giving birth to twins or breech babies, the typical scene with the woman in stir-ups, screaming at the top of her lungs and begging for drugs is what we see.
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I have been thinking about the movie Knocked-up because the birth scene is one of the most memorable for people. For this reason, I re-watched the movie recently and I was absolutely outraged to see the way the doctor treated the mother, the way she was in the bed the whole entire time despite being very well educated and wanting an unmedicated birth, the way birth being “gross” is made into the joke of the moment. And afterwards, the baby comes out and everything is great. Corny music plays in the background and the absolutely unlikely couple of a successful, beautiful, smart woman and a great big looser of a guy suddenly fix all their problems and manage to accept each other and become a wonderful family to their daughter.
 
After watching that movie, I started thinking about how I would re-write it from a female point of view. And then I realized that once rewritten, the movie would probably never get funding.

 
CONCLUSION
I’m glad the stories of women are being told. I’m glad Vanessa Kirby got a chance to act in the powerful role of Martha. I’m glad there is a birth scene that shows the power of a woman giving birth. I’m glad that the main character stood up for the midwife at the end. I’m glad f*cking Shia LaBeouf’s character got lost. I’m glad they show the importance of birth photography. But I think it sucks that the only story with those important elements being highlighted is tied into the biggest fear of every pregnant woman out there having to make choices: losing a baby.
 
When have you seen a competent midwife supporting a successful home birth in a fictional movie (no documentaries)? Probably never.
 
So what happens when a pregnant person chooses not to put herself in the hands of a system that dismisses her worth? In the eyes of film and shows: her baby dies. Or she dies. Or both of them almost die. She shouldn’t have done that.
 
It’s not that “Pieces of a Woman” is a bad movie or that it takes sides. In my opinion it really doesn’t. It wouldn’t be a problem at all if there were at least 10 or so other mainstream movies out there that show people having home births and exercising their body autonomy without being punished for it.

Did you watch "Pieces of a Woman"? What did you think?
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MICA'S BIRTH STORY

7/11/2020

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I recently had the honor of supporting and photographing this beautiful birth at The Birth House in Olympia, WA.
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WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE POWER OF PREGNANCY DREAMS

6/29/2020

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INTROSPECTION AS PART OF BIRTH PREPARATION
For a lot of people, thinking of birth preparation involves images of expectant parents doing yoga, drinking smoothies, or learning about the stages of labor. For others, birth preparation is more about preparing spaces and getting stuff: the nursery, the birth space, the house renovation or perhaps even moving to a different house altogether.

What all those things have in common is their outwards focus. These things are all valuable and important parts of preparing for the big life change of bringing a new human into the world,  but in the busyness of our day-to-day life, it's not uncommon for the inner landscape to go unnoticed.

During pregnancy, the body goes through many noticeable physical changes as it grows and expands to accommodate a baby, but there are also a lot of invisible changes happening in places that get a lot less attention than the belly. Some of the most fascinating changes are actually happening in the brain. As different areas of the brain get enhanced and brain waves slow down, one of the most common effects is for pregnant people to remember their dreams, which tend to be very vivid, strange and sometimes even disruptive. For some people pregnancy might be the first time in their life that they have this much awareness of their dreams.

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MY   TOP   4   FAVORITE   PARENTING   BOOKS

10/16/2019

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“I was a perfect parent, until I had kids“
 - Every parent ever.
My first pregnancy was all about intuition.
High on the increased alpha brain waves, I spent endless hours walking in nature, doing yoga, meditating, dancing and journaling about my dreams.
 
I also spent so much time learning about birth and preparing for the kind of birth I wanted, that very little thought went into the whole parenting gig.
 
I knew I wanted to do better than my parents and I didn't think it could be so hard. I naively thought that my intuition would probably be able to guide me through that too.
 
My birth was a great experience and it armed me with tons faux confidence about life that lasted a surprisingly long time. Parenting a baby came easy to me. I have always tolerated sleep deprivation well and I felt happy and bonded to my baby, who was pretty much stuck to me all the time.

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WHEN   YOUR   DOULA   IS   ALSO   A   BIRTH   PHOTOGRAPHER

7/30/2019

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Do you remember being a little kid and being asked: "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

I do. And I also remember that although it wasn't explicitly explained, the answer to that question was supposed to be only one career.

It took me a long while to figure out that in reality, people can and often do have many interests and it's totally okay to do different things to earn a living throughout your life.

For the past few years, most of my efforts and passion have been focused on being a doula and helping people prepare for childbirth in traditional and not so traditional ways. But before being a doula, I went to film school. I am and will always be a storyteller (and a rather visual one!)

The very first birth I ever attended I also photographed. And ever since, I have loved bringing my camera to births. At the beginning, I wasn't getting great imagines. I struggled with the very specific challenges of a delivery room, but with some fantastic additional training and supported by an ever-growing amount of experience and practice, my confidence as a birth photographer has gotten stronger.

Lately, I have been asked an interesting question a lot:
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How do you balance both documenting the birth while staying present as a doula?

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WHAT I WANT NEW DOULAS TO KNOW part 2

2/9/2019

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PART 2: GETTING STARTED
 
After finishing a doula training, most people are very eager to get everything in place and start attending births. The oxytocin rush is real!
 
The first step after finishing your training really would be to spend some time working on building your brand and website and getting clear on your target market. This blog post doesn't cover the "how-to" on any of those things, so I urge you to sign up for a business class if you haven't already done so.
 
But assuming you have already gotten started on the business side of things, this is what I would like every new doula out there to know about getting started on birth work.


1. No one has the right to tell you how much to charge
There is a big divide in the birth world about money. You will run into tons of people telling you to charge more or charge less. You will run into people who expect you to work for free and you will run into people who think working for free should be forbidden. And you know what? None of those people opinions matter, because you are you.
 
It's true that as women or people who work as caretakers, a lot of times our work is undervalued by others and by ourselves. But for some people doing a few births for free helps them feel more confident.
 
It's also true that working for free is a privilege not everyone can afford. If you want to start charging a living wage for your first birth ever that's okay too. Either way, you need to remember the next point!

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LA PRIMERA SONRISA, BIRTH FILM REVIEW

2/4/2019

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I watch a lot of films about birth and to be honest a lot of them are very similar to each other. They carry important messages: birth has become increasingly medicalized, birth is normal (most of the times), you can do this, emergencies do happen, midwifery care makes a huge difference.
 
All these things are true, although sometimes a bit repetitive from a birth worker's perspective. But here I am, still watching films about birth. One of the reasons why I do it is because each one speaks to a difference audience, connects with different people, and holds a unique piece of wisdom.
 
La Primera Sonrisa is a documentary made by Mexican filmmaker Guadalupe Sánchez Sosa. What makes this film special is its unique cultural perspective, as well as its focus on sexuality and emotions in birth. The film follows internationally renowned midwife Naoli Vinaver, whose own homebirth short film, Día de Nacimiento, became famous in the birth world in 2015.

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What I Want Aspiring Doulas To Know

2/4/2019

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It feels like ages ago when I moved to Olympia, from Costa Rica with my partner and my son, carrying only our backpacks, didgeridoo and cast iron pan. At that time I had completed my first doula training and attended my first birth. I felt SO READY to start working with expectant families regularly. I expected things would be easier, faster, more straight forward. But they weren't. It's just now, almost 4 years and 3 doula trainings later that I have started to feel truly supported by my business.

Every year I hear from many people who want to become doulas, but don't know where to start. I know how it feels! So this two part series is for you, some tidbits of advice coming from the last few years of building a successful doula practice.

PART 1: CHOOSING A DOULA TRAINING

There are many training and certifying doula associations. Since the doula profession is not regulated, they are all just as officially valid as the other. However, some of them are bigger, better known and are seen as more legitimate in the profession. Some of them respond to particular needs or niches in the birth community. So, with so many great options out there, how do you choose a doula training?
These are some things to consider.


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TOP 3 MUST-WATCH MOVIES FOR HOME BIRTHERS

10/27/2018

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As a former filmmaker and forever film-lover, moving pictures speak deeply into my heart. We live in a culture flooded with images and these have a powerful effect in us.
 
During pregnancy, when you're particularly sensitive, the stories you hear and movies you watch work their way into your big picture of birth and can have a deeper impact on you than learning all the science and anatomy of birth.
 
Taking that into consideration, these 3 movies are my favorite suggestions for people planning a home birth (arranged in my recommended order for watching):
 
1. WHY NOT HOME?
When you're considering choosing home birth, you will almost always confront some backlash. It often comes from people who genuinely care about your wellbeing, although some people are just nosy. Why Not Home? offers a very well-rounded perspective on the safety of choosing home birth coming from an unexpected source: nurses, doctors and midwives who attend birth in the hospital. This movie is great to watch with a partner if either one or both of you are on the fence about home birth. Learn more in their official website.

Why Not Home? The Surprising Birth Choices of Doctors and Nurses from Jessicca Moore on Vimeo.


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    Marissa Rivera Bolaños is a doula and visual artist with a passion to create change around the way our culture approaches women's health.

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